he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
