Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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