We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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