Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
