I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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