They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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