im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
