dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize