You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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