I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
