my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
