you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
