Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
