Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
