I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
