omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
porn star boner night. come get it.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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