hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
