I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
