he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
