When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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