i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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