It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
We need to rekindle our bromance
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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