Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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