Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
