gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
