Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
