life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
