I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
