508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
