Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
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