i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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