Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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