I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
i need some magic done to my vagina
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