Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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