I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
