I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
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