You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
