Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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