1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
