I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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