The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
