i already hear my dad disowning me
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
