the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
