All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Randomize
