I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
