checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
