Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
