i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
