Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
