is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
