yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
