I am midnight drunk by noon
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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