If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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