don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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