I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
