He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
