so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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