Tell her she can't have a vagina
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
